next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
