I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
