Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
