what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I AM VODKA MAN
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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