he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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