So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
