my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
