Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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