so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
