She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
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I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
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Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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