Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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