Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
