It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
