Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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