If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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