we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
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You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
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So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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