Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
