I accidentally had phone sex last night
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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