VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
