The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
