I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
