i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
What changed your mind?
Being sober
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Randomize
