I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
