Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
