they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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