my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
they need to just BURY HIM!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Are my feet made of real feet?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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