i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
