and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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