just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I yelled at your uterus for you.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
