My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
its liver damage thursday
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
