I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
