All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
