You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
