i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
