Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I skipped work to stalk him.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
