i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
