Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
