i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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