You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
