There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
