If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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