You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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