Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
