i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
