I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Semen is not good for contacts.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
