I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
