I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
