I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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