I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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