Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
