Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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