Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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