I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
