I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
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Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
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Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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