I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Randomize
