Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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